fantastic

NO FOOD ALL DAY :) 

update

So I did good today. Mom made raviolis for dinner. I ate four of them. I had two cookies and a two cookies and cream candies my mom got me for Christmas. I'd say in all I had maybe just above 500 calories? Need to try and stay under 400, tomorrow will be better.
I've been hooking up with this guy (Dave), I was hooking up with him a week or so before I left for school too. He hasn't been able to cum, maybe because of pills (idk), but it pissed me off. I just kinda tease him about it. Tonight he came over. He rode his bike to my house in the snow and then when my mom said he could sleep over he didn't want to because he has to wake up early tomorrow to shovel snow! He rode his bike all the way home at one AM. Crazy? does this mean he really likes me. I really like him. Anyway..... back to the point. He came today. We didn't even have sex. I just gave him head and he came! :) It kinda made my night. I thought I wasn't attractive anymore because every time we would have sex he would go soft half way into it. Maybe I am unattractive, I mean I had my clothes on when I gave him head, and when we have sex I'm naked. :( whatever. I will be beautiful eventually.

Thinspo:

Christmas.

Mom got me the Rainbow sandals I've been asking for!! She got me two pairs! My other ones were falling apart. :( lol. I also got a jacket from my dad and Angel and some other clothes. It was a good Christmas. I spent the morning with my mom and went to my dad's after we opened presents here. It was fun. Slept the rest of the day on the couch at Dad's then went to dinner at Mommom and Poppop's. It was okay. I always feel so fat when I'm around them. It's hard because they are all perfect. I'm so fat. My dad taught me how to play pool. It's about time right? Tomorrow starts diet, day one of starvation. I'm going to church with my dad, I'll tell him I ate at Mom's for breakfast and that I'm not hungry when he tries to take me out to lunch. I can do this. I will be strong.
Thinspo:

who am i

I've been searching for something for six years
I've been through a lot, shed so many tears.
I want to know. I need to know,
Who am I? Where do I go?
In retrospect to the world I am just a spec
A spec floating around in this disgusting wreck
Who am I? I don't know where I belong
I wish I was brave, bold, strong.
Who am I? A troubled teen?
I'm lost, confused. The sadness unseen.
I've been living my life as someone fake.
Sometimes I just need a fucking break.
A break from the fake smiles and cheerful eyes.
I just want to live in my demise.
Who am I? why am I here?
I'm tired of not shedding a tear.
I live through Ana. I am her currently.
I just wish I could be me.
I want to be a person defined.
I don't want my like to be outlined,
The unanswered question haunts my dreams.
It's tough, as easy as it seems.
Who am I?
Who am I and why?

im losing my hair.

its falling out. shit. merry friggin christmas

been a while.

I'm back in Jersey for break. Here's the update:
>Grades- English-C/Freshman Seminar-C/Politics and Government-C/Algebra-pass. (Yeah, I'm beating myself up about this shit. I'm really upset, my dreams meant everything to me and here I am just blowing them away.)
>Taking winter online course. Drugs and Justice. (I'm pretty excited, it looks like a really interesting class. It starts on December 27th.)
>No car. (I'm borrowing Mom's.)
>Getting a bit serious with Dave Mayer. (I started fucking him after I broke up with my ex in August and he kept in touch all this time. I really,really like him.)
>Chris Conroy wants to hook up with me. (A guy I used to be close with when I was eleven (ish), says he's wanted me since then...hmm)
>Sucking at eating. (I'm really going to get serious starting today, just had to try Jersey food again!!)
oh yeah, one more thing:
>IT'S FUCKING FREEZING HERE!!!!!!!
::picture for ya::

not so great.

I did ok today, I kicked ass on my exam. Then I went to the gym for all of five minutes. I went to the pawn shop ate a 90 calorie special k bar, then later ate a salad with tofu with Maria. After that we went again later and I got a wrap with roast beef and pizza. I also ate a 270 calorie protein bar....After all that went to Ihop. I got Country fried steak and mashed potatoes then chocolate cake after. This wall all spread out of course. I puked till I saw red. Gym: Eliptical 3 times tomorrow!

great day!

I went to the gym for two hours. Eliptical (-300 calories), cycle thing studying for POS exam (-150).
I smoked with Dustin. ha.
Went to the gym again with Angie (-250 calories) Total: 600 calories burnt
Ate at Barett dining hall. Ate a salad with lettuce (30 calories), chick peas (91 calories), tofu (88 calories), olives (25 calories), and ceasar dressing (170 calories). Also found some gelato (strawberry and chocolate ate half) (190 calories), oh and pizza (small slice) (90 calories). Total: 684 calories
I threw it ALL up, but I'll keep 84 calories in the mix and say that's what left.
I did good with exercise and studying, sucked with the food thing. It's alright. I'm proud of myself.
Thinspo:

hey there

I'm going home on Thursday! yay!
I went to the gym today (-300 calories)
I at a little bit of the appetizer sampler we got at Buffalo Wild Wings. (not a biggie)
Nate texted me, none of you would understand, but um I will explain if it escalates.
Good day. Hanging out with Nate tonight?
hmm
i wanna be skinny.

oh yeah::::::GO EAGLES!!!

My story

I was about twelve when it really started. It was right after I was raped by a man I don’t even know the name of. It was right around the time when Mom went away for a few years and my little brother was born. It was when Dad mentioned that I had a tummy and when Grandpa said I was too “big” to tumble. Grandma helped too, when she told me to eat sweets all the time and then came around ten minutes later telling me to be healthy, watch my figure. I think all of these things helped develop my insanity. However, I was always a bit insane. I remember standing in front of the mirror countless times before age twelve telling my mom that I was fat and I was dieting. I remember I wanted control. All I wanted was control. I couldn’t control who touched me. I couldn’t control where I wanted to live. I couldn’t see my mommy and my grandmother controlled every little aspect of my life. I went from age ten to age sixteen seeing my mom about as much as you see a family member from a different state. I missed her, I hated her, I needed her, but she was too busy getting high. I was out of control. I longed for control.

I’m not sure if you would call it an eating disorder, I would call it more of an obsession. I cut myself often, I did everything I could to control something. I channeled the control to my thoughts, I controlled my own thoughts. All I thought about was food, what I was going to eat, what I wasn’t going to eat. What if I did eat? That’s when purging came into the picture, I think it was after my dad and step-mom got married. She was so perfect, so skinny, and so beautiful. I HATED HER! I remember after the family dinners (where I spent an hour just picking at my food) I would run upstairs into the shower and puke everything I could possibly puke out.

When Mom came back into the picture, I was so happy. She gave me a necklace for my 16^th birthday. It was a locket with my name engraved in the front and “happy sweet sixteen” on the back. I love that necklace. I still wear it every day. I ate when I was with my mom. She had problems too. We would go to Dunkin Donuts and eat an entire dozen in one sitting on top of a carton of ice cream each. I gained weight, a lot of weight. Mom did too. She was 200 pounds. Soon her eating habits became strange, like mine were before she saved me. She barely ate anything; before I knew it Mom was skin and bones. I was jealous. Onset #2?

My senior year was a hard one. I wasn’t eating much at all, or I was eating too much and throwing it up or slitting my wrists for it. In the summer I starved myself. I would go weeks without food only eating when Mom started to notice something was up. I remember one day she told me my toes were blue. I said I was just cold from being in the air, even though we had been outside in 90 degree weather. I went into the hospital a week before I came out to school. It was the second time I had been hospitalized, but the first time I was ever in an adult unit. I went in a dual unit, drugs and mental illness. It was for zanies and other substances I was using. (Also because I tried to kill myself HAHAHA) In the hospital, no one was watching my eating so I didn’t eat the six days I was there. I lost weight, I remember everyone congratulating me on my weight loss when I came home. I was happy.

When I got to college it was easy. I could eat whenever I wanted (never). I starved the first few weeks. I did great up until about a month ago. Lately I’ve been eating like shit. A few days ago I had sex with a guy who called me a fat ass, during sex. This turned on ANA again. So here it goes again. I’m on the never ending roller coaster of binging and fasting. Will I ever get off?

the rest of the day

I smell like throw up. ewe. I ate some pasta with John and cookies with Maria they both came up. Went to the gym, burnt 100 calories because Maria wanted to leave early. :(
Thinspo:

umm fast/purge imabullshitter

I ate a salad. (spinach, cucumbers, onions, Caesar dressing (174 calories)) I ate a turkey wrap. (turkey, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, mayo, wheat wrap (422 calories)) I threw up the wrap. (-400 calories) I threw half the salad. (-87 calories)
TOTAL: 109 (ok :/)
gym later?

acid

So, I'm on acid, but I'm having a bad trip and a bad night so I'm going to rant! I've been eating like a fucking cow btw. Fast starting tomorrow. Dude why don't people like me? Is it because I'm fat? I have sex with this kid Dusty and he completely ignores me and treats me like shit, he is an asshole. I don't understand what I did! We were at Kevin's and as soon as they noticed me in the room they all walked out, like wtf?! Then when they were going to leave, Tyler was supposed to drive me home, but no! Ryan was like "can't bring Mary, she's bad vibes" WTF DID I DO TO YOU DUDE!!!! I am so nice to them, I don't understand. I'm such a waste of life. No one likes me, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm a fuck up. Worthless.

Oh yeah, I forgot my stats: hahaha

Height: 5'5

bicep: 11 in

thigh: 25 in

hips: 27 in

chest: 37 in

waist: 32 in 

BMI: 22.4

Current weight:150 lbs

::GOAL WEIGHT::

NON FUCKING EXISTENT

nothing fits

none of my clothes fit. they are all too tight omg. I've gained so much weight fuck!! nothing fits!  Nothing fucking fits! i am crying. I am about to slit my wrists omgomgomgomg what do I do? I JUST WANNA FUCKING DIE!

BREAKING NEWS: THERE IS A REPLACEMENT FOR FOOD!!!!!!!!

shit. I am so high? would you call this a high? I considered and researched it and I suppose if you put it scientifically, snorting coke + snorting E + smoking a coco puff (bowl with weed and coke)=well, really fucked up. So, I think that may still be high. Super duper high! Shit. shit. Everything is morphing. I love it. I LOVE IT! My head is spinning, yet my hands are flying across the keyboard, fascinated by how intriguing the smallest thing could be. ENHANCED! HEIGHTENED!  BUT YET UNDEFINED! Imafuckinhearinmusicplayininmahead! SHIT I HEAR MUSIC! I cant see it though ohhh nooo. Who needs food. I'm full. That hole, its filling up! It might not be the best thing to fill it with, but its giving me the push I need. I love coke. Shit. 

errggg.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
The most powerful being I could possibly think of.
It is compared to the devil, Ana is my god.
It is on my mind 24 seven.
It flows through me, in me, out of me.
Like a sea of evil.
It is fucking evil and grotesque.
I am done with food.
Seriously, I'm done.
I don't care if I have to eat sunflower seeds for the rest of my life.
I'll live. I DO NOT NEED FOOD TO LIVE.
I need empty to live.
Empty will distract my emotions.
If I'm empty, I'll forget about the sad.
I won't remember happy.
All I will be able to feel is empty, hungry.
The only feeling I can control.
I love it.
I love feeling my stomach churn when it is in the presence of food.
It is not worthy.
It is not small enough for food.
Once it's small enough I won't need food at all.
I wont be there.
My stomach will not be worthy of food until it is completely non-existent.
I will not eat until I am one with the earth.
Therefore I will never eat because it is impossible to eat when your dead.
Shit I'm stoned dude.
I am fucked up.
I have the shits haha.
Fuck laxatives.
I love laxatives.
More?
More laxatives.
No.
WE NEED A BREAK.
LAX AND FAST REMEMBER?
They are fucking chocolate erasers.
I love it!
hahahahahahahahahhahahaah

laxatives

Stuffed my face on Thanksgiving dinner we cooked. Shit. I saved twenty bucks. I think I might just buy a shit ton of laxatives tomorrow and cleanse my system for a few days then fast. I need to lose at least 20 lbs by winter break. I have 23 days until I go home. I need to be different. At least look thinner. 

Thinspo:

DOES ANYONE READ THIS BULLSHIT ANYWAY?

I ATE AND ATE AND ATE UNTIL THE FOOD LITERALLY POURED OUT OF MY NOSE! I ate a big mac, a chicken sandwich and two medium fries followed by ramen noodles, milkshake, chicken nuggets, alcohol, 3 donuts, strawberry milk. Woke up two hours after I fell asleep, went to the store bought and ate a sandwich (turkey), pickle, chips, iced tea. went home. felt like shiiiitttttt. I made myself puke and I still feel shitty. Why the fuck do I do this to myself. HAPPY EFFING THANKSGIVING!!!! I still smell alcohol. I wanna puke. 2 visits to McDonalds in what 2 hours? Fuck!
- I had sex with this guy last night, hickeys all over my neck! I regret it. It was great sex, but I regret it.
-Over the past couple of days I'm finding myself longing to be full of something. Whether it be alcohol, food, a man, I just need to feel full. Loved?
-I'm lonely.

-We are cooking Thanksgiving dinner tonight. I don't know if I can even look at food. I'm so sick.
if only I followed through with the plan my man.  :(

Thinspo?:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I did it again! Yeah, I went to the gym (24 hours ago), burnt what? 400 calories at the most. I proceeded to sleep all day. I woke up ate past and meatballs and cereal at the dining hall (threw up till I saw bile) then I smoked and ate more in Alex's room. Half a peanut butter and chocolate sandwich, a shit ton of candy, chips, and lots of pasta. I AM GOING TO THE GYM UNTIL I BURN AT LEAST 1000 CALORIES! This is fucking ridiculous. I need to learn my lesson. I'm giving myself another chance. If I fuck it up this time it means I don't want it. I do want it, I do need it, and I will get it! I need punishment. When I go to the gym tomorrow I will be punishing myself for fucking up so fucking badly all the time. Each time I fuck up I will have to spend more hours at the gym. I cannot resort to cutting, it isn't making any progress. I will work out until I puke, then clean up and work some more. I am strong and willing and I can do this. I FUCKING CAN DO THIS!!!!!

Thinspo:

Did it

An hour and 30 minutes at the gym. 400 calories. I think I deserve a nap before Algebra. :)

Thinspo:

dumb dumb dumb

On the way to the party I ate an entire triple size cookies and cream chocolate bar. We got there, some guy said he'd fuck me with a bag over my head, there were way too many people and no alcohol. Tyler picked us up and we drove to Kevin's. I drank straight vodka using water as a chaser. I think I blacked out. I remember bits and pieces of the night. I don't remember driving home, I remember holding Dustin's hand in the parking garage then walking to the dorms. I remember kissing him in the elevator then starting to give him head and the elevator door opened to people. I remember going to his room, his roommate was there, then going to my room. My roommate came home. We went outside. I black out again. I don't remember anything. I remember eating in my room. Raman noodles, veggie fried rice, tomato soup. I don't exactly remember eating all of this, but there was evidence when I woke up with a killer hang over at 11 on Sunday morning. I went back to sleep until about 9 that night. I cleaned the drain in the sink out (noodles), then picked some rice up from the floor. Had to scrub some tomato soup out too of the carpet too. I was so mad at myself for losing control, I went back to sleep. I woke up at 4am today. An hour and a half ago. I plan to go to the gym at 6. I have to right.

Black light Black out Party...

Should be fun, that's where I'll be tonight. I ate a sandwich and three slices of pizza to save me from not dying when I drink. I'm allowed one night right?

10 dirty little secrets no one but you know about

1. I weigh 140lbs.
2. My thighs touch.
3. I throw up in the public bathroom downstairs(at4am) after eating a shit ton of food.
4. I only do it in the public bathroom because no one can hear me crying there. 
5. I am thinking about cutting myself because I ate and couldn't get it all out.
6. I haven't eaten before this in almost 4 days. 
7. I am obsessed with food, I think about it 24/7. 
8. I had a dream last night that I was eating a box of cookies, an entire box of cookies. I woke up scared.
9. My heart hurts really bad. Is it because of shoving so many calories into my body or is it because I took so many out?
10. I'm hungry.

Two weeks.

No more weed. It gives me the munchies. I can't handle it. I ate half a buttermilk donut, half a Bavarian Cream(135 calories), 3 cinnamon rolls(600calories), and an apple(80calories).  That is approximately 950 calories!! I couldn't have that so I threw up, but it wouldn't all come out. I would say i got three quarters of it out, but I'm scared. It was all FAT except for the damn apple. I spent money on crap that I threw up anyway. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I don't smoke weed, I have less of a chance to binge and less of a chance to purge. Also I can prove to my dad that I'm clean, he can test me. If he knows I'm clean, there are more chances that I get a car to drive over break. Therefor, I am not smoking pot for three weeks and I'm going to do a cleanse. 

thinspo:

Today or yesterday or who the fuck knows.

I ate 3 chips and a teaspoon of hummus (30 calories ish) after smoking with Angie. I did my math homework after that and actually fell asleep at 12:30. I woke up at 4 am with an intense pain in my stomach. I wanted to curl up and die. I tried eating ice cubes, drinking cold water, nothing worked. I ate three crackers (30 calories), that didn't work. I made some soup (70 calories) that helped a bit, then 2 crackers (20 calories). I threw up. The crackers were the only thing that came up along with a little soup. I couldn't get anything else to come out. I was pissed. Not a horrible day, but I'm still going to fast tomorrow.
Thinspo:

purging

Stayed up all night again. Slept all day. I can't seem to get in the right pattern. It's frustrating. I went to the lounge last night and made a rice side dish. 600 calories. I ate most of it, I purged most of it. I felt so guilty afterwards I couldn't hold it in. I have nothing in my stomach. Nothing eaten except for the side dish since Monday I think. It is getting easier. I did not have the desire to eat until 4 AM this morning. It's all out. I'm OK right? If I keep going like this, I should be 110 by the time I go home.
Thinspo:

Not feeling like bitching today

My food intake today consisted of half of a Cambles soup at hand. It was 70 calories and I just had some of the broth. Good day in all. Got out of bed at 8 pm lazy fuck.

THINSPO:

good day

I got some coke. That should get me through some school work and keep me going I hope. I feel bad about doing it, but it really helps. I went to court and they told me that I had to come back for a pre trial conference on December 16th that should be fun. Fuck the court system it blows. I have to go to government tomorrow. Mom doesnt know the professor wont let me take Exam #2 and without that exam I fail the class. I also am going to go to my freshman seminar tomorrow......for the fourth time I think. I'm fucked in that class too. Shit dude, where did I go wrong. My English paper is due, I've been hiding in my room and havent done anything at all on it let alone gone to class. Fuck.I'm complaining, but this is all my fault. I brought this upon myself and I will willingly take all consequences that I am faced with. I will not be ok. I promise.
Eating today sucked. Maria wanted breakfast so I ate with her this morning and puked it up after, then I had half a burger and some cereal, then a nutrition shake, then cheddar broccoli rice. I AM A COMPLETE SCREW UP! IF I DONT CHANGE SOON I WILL HAVE TO JUST GO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING DESERT!
thinspo:

well....

I kinda did what I said I would do. I ate just a jar of pickles, I did my math homework, I did my laundry. I woke up at 8 PM. :( However, Alex came to my room last night at 4 am with some coke and I did it with her, I was about to go to bed, but I couldn't turn it down. I was the energizer bunny and I got so much shit done. I have court tomorrow for shoplifting. Tyler is taking me. I don't know how it will go or what I will do, but I have hope. I am scared to death. I am scared to fucking death.
THINSPO:

Biggest Screw Up

I'm going to sleep. It is 2:58 am. I am a fat fucking loser. My stomach is pregnant with food. It is hard and it hurts. My mind is clouded with drugs and thoughts of regret. My body aches, my head aches, I'm exhausted, but I have slept for days. I am failing out of college as of right now. Is it due to the depression, the bi-polar, my mental issues, or is it because of the drugs and constant partying? I think the real question is: Am I doing the drugs because of the depression, the immense pain that thrives in my soul. The monster inside of me is making me fuck up. It is time to take control. I have gained weight because of this monster. My skin is broken out because of this monster. My grades are so low they almost don't exist because of this monster. This monster wants me to end it all right here right now! BUT I WON'T!!!!!!! I AM TAKING CONTROL! I am in control of my own life, not this monster.I will win.
I am going to sleep a fat selfish loser and I'm waking up at nine Am tomorrow morning and I am going to pick up what is left of my life and run with it. I will fix this. I will reconstruct my life.

fudge

Slept all day again, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling until about 6 am. FUCK! I am high. I did a hydro. The only thing I can afford right now. I feel good. I'm fucked. I ate an apple today. That is it. I will weigh 110 pounds or less when I go back home. I feel good. I was so depressed, I feel good. I feel good.

I'm gonna go smoke. Yes. I feel good.
school is fucked.
life is fucked.
I feel good.

oh gosh

The past days have been a complete blur to me. I got caught stealing alcohol on Friday. They gave me a $312 charge and I have court on the 15th. I don't know how I am going to pay this. I am so depressed. I took my stress out on drugs and dropped acid all weekend so my problems weren't real, nothing was real. I managed to stay on my fasting for the most part until I stuffed my face all day today. I have fallen into a dark fucking hole. I am failing my classes, owe money, in trouble with the law, in trouble with my parents, drugs. I don't know how to fix all of the messes I have created. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore.

Today

I'm very intoxicated right now.I had an ok day, no food at all. I had a 4 lokos (660CAL) but i ran this morning. i shouldmt have drank. shit.

THINSPO TODAY:

My first post.

So I figure what I'm going to do on this blog is post how my day goes everyday. I'm bi-polar and I have problems with my eating. I also use a lot of drugs, so it should be interesting.

> I slept through my classes today. (all 3 of them) I woke up and went to get some salad because today was my veggie day. I ended up eating salad, a burger, spaghetti, garlic bread, cereal and a cookie. I then proceeded to the bathroom and puked my guts up because of guilt. after that it was a pretty normal day. I binged again and ate Oreos, milk, and ice cream when we were playing Apples to Apples. I tried to purge when I got home but it was too late. I did some jumping jacks, an exercise video, and climbed stairs. AHHHH why do I always screw up. I still didn't feel good about myself after all of this, so I actually cut myself for the first time in three months. I NEED TO GAIN SELF CONTROL. I JUST WANT TO CRY.

THIS IS MY THINSPO FOR THE DAY: