errggg.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
The most powerful being I could possibly think of.
It is compared to the devil, Ana is my god.
It is on my mind 24 seven.
It flows through me, in me, out of me.
Like a sea of evil.
It is fucking evil and grotesque.
I am done with food.
Seriously, I'm done.
I don't care if I have to eat sunflower seeds for the rest of my life.
I'll live. I DO NOT NEED FOOD TO LIVE.
I need empty to live.
Empty will distract my emotions.
If I'm empty, I'll forget about the sad.
I won't remember happy.
All I will be able to feel is empty, hungry.
The only feeling I can control.
I love it.
I love feeling my stomach churn when it is in the presence of food.
It is not worthy.
It is not small enough for food.
Once it's small enough I won't need food at all.
I wont be there.
My stomach will not be worthy of food until it is completely non-existent.
I will not eat until I am one with the earth.
Therefore I will never eat because it is impossible to eat when your dead.
Shit I'm stoned dude.
I am fucked up.
I have the shits haha.
Fuck laxatives.
I love laxatives.
More?
More laxatives.
No.
WE NEED A BREAK.
LAX AND FAST REMEMBER?
They are fucking chocolate erasers.
I love it!
hahahahahahahahahhahahaah

laxatives

Stuffed my face on Thanksgiving dinner we cooked. Shit. I saved twenty bucks. I think I might just buy a shit ton of laxatives tomorrow and cleanse my system for a few days then fast. I need to lose at least 20 lbs by winter break. I have 23 days until I go home. I need to be different. At least look thinner. 

Thinspo:

DOES ANYONE READ THIS BULLSHIT ANYWAY?

I ATE AND ATE AND ATE UNTIL THE FOOD LITERALLY POURED OUT OF MY NOSE! I ate a big mac, a chicken sandwich and two medium fries followed by ramen noodles, milkshake, chicken nuggets, alcohol, 3 donuts, strawberry milk. Woke up two hours after I fell asleep, went to the store bought and ate a sandwich (turkey), pickle, chips, iced tea. went home. felt like shiiiitttttt. I made myself puke and I still feel shitty. Why the fuck do I do this to myself. HAPPY EFFING THANKSGIVING!!!! I still smell alcohol. I wanna puke. 2 visits to McDonalds in what 2 hours? Fuck!
- I had sex with this guy last night, hickeys all over my neck! I regret it. It was great sex, but I regret it.
-Over the past couple of days I'm finding myself longing to be full of something. Whether it be alcohol, food, a man, I just need to feel full. Loved?
-I'm lonely.

-We are cooking Thanksgiving dinner tonight. I don't know if I can even look at food. I'm so sick.
if only I followed through with the plan my man.  :(

Thinspo?:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I did it again! Yeah, I went to the gym (24 hours ago), burnt what? 400 calories at the most. I proceeded to sleep all day. I woke up ate past and meatballs and cereal at the dining hall (threw up till I saw bile) then I smoked and ate more in Alex's room. Half a peanut butter and chocolate sandwich, a shit ton of candy, chips, and lots of pasta. I AM GOING TO THE GYM UNTIL I BURN AT LEAST 1000 CALORIES! This is fucking ridiculous. I need to learn my lesson. I'm giving myself another chance. If I fuck it up this time it means I don't want it. I do want it, I do need it, and I will get it! I need punishment. When I go to the gym tomorrow I will be punishing myself for fucking up so fucking badly all the time. Each time I fuck up I will have to spend more hours at the gym. I cannot resort to cutting, it isn't making any progress. I will work out until I puke, then clean up and work some more. I am strong and willing and I can do this. I FUCKING CAN DO THIS!!!!!

Thinspo:

Did it

An hour and 30 minutes at the gym. 400 calories. I think I deserve a nap before Algebra. :)

Thinspo:

dumb dumb dumb

On the way to the party I ate an entire triple size cookies and cream chocolate bar. We got there, some guy said he'd fuck me with a bag over my head, there were way too many people and no alcohol. Tyler picked us up and we drove to Kevin's. I drank straight vodka using water as a chaser. I think I blacked out. I remember bits and pieces of the night. I don't remember driving home, I remember holding Dustin's hand in the parking garage then walking to the dorms. I remember kissing him in the elevator then starting to give him head and the elevator door opened to people. I remember going to his room, his roommate was there, then going to my room. My roommate came home. We went outside. I black out again. I don't remember anything. I remember eating in my room. Raman noodles, veggie fried rice, tomato soup. I don't exactly remember eating all of this, but there was evidence when I woke up with a killer hang over at 11 on Sunday morning. I went back to sleep until about 9 that night. I cleaned the drain in the sink out (noodles), then picked some rice up from the floor. Had to scrub some tomato soup out too of the carpet too. I was so mad at myself for losing control, I went back to sleep. I woke up at 4am today. An hour and a half ago. I plan to go to the gym at 6. I have to right.

Black light Black out Party...

Should be fun, that's where I'll be tonight. I ate a sandwich and three slices of pizza to save me from not dying when I drink. I'm allowed one night right?

10 dirty little secrets no one but you know about

1. I weigh 140lbs.
2. My thighs touch.
3. I throw up in the public bathroom downstairs(at4am) after eating a shit ton of food.
4. I only do it in the public bathroom because no one can hear me crying there. 
5. I am thinking about cutting myself because I ate and couldn't get it all out.
6. I haven't eaten before this in almost 4 days. 
7. I am obsessed with food, I think about it 24/7. 
8. I had a dream last night that I was eating a box of cookies, an entire box of cookies. I woke up scared.
9. My heart hurts really bad. Is it because of shoving so many calories into my body or is it because I took so many out?
10. I'm hungry.

Two weeks.

No more weed. It gives me the munchies. I can't handle it. I ate half a buttermilk donut, half a Bavarian Cream(135 calories), 3 cinnamon rolls(600calories), and an apple(80calories).  That is approximately 950 calories!! I couldn't have that so I threw up, but it wouldn't all come out. I would say i got three quarters of it out, but I'm scared. It was all FAT except for the damn apple. I spent money on crap that I threw up anyway. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I don't smoke weed, I have less of a chance to binge and less of a chance to purge. Also I can prove to my dad that I'm clean, he can test me. If he knows I'm clean, there are more chances that I get a car to drive over break. Therefor, I am not smoking pot for three weeks and I'm going to do a cleanse. 

thinspo:

Today or yesterday or who the fuck knows.

I ate 3 chips and a teaspoon of hummus (30 calories ish) after smoking with Angie. I did my math homework after that and actually fell asleep at 12:30. I woke up at 4 am with an intense pain in my stomach. I wanted to curl up and die. I tried eating ice cubes, drinking cold water, nothing worked. I ate three crackers (30 calories), that didn't work. I made some soup (70 calories) that helped a bit, then 2 crackers (20 calories). I threw up. The crackers were the only thing that came up along with a little soup. I couldn't get anything else to come out. I was pissed. Not a horrible day, but I'm still going to fast tomorrow.
Thinspo:

purging

Stayed up all night again. Slept all day. I can't seem to get in the right pattern. It's frustrating. I went to the lounge last night and made a rice side dish. 600 calories. I ate most of it, I purged most of it. I felt so guilty afterwards I couldn't hold it in. I have nothing in my stomach. Nothing eaten except for the side dish since Monday I think. It is getting easier. I did not have the desire to eat until 4 AM this morning. It's all out. I'm OK right? If I keep going like this, I should be 110 by the time I go home.
Thinspo:

Not feeling like bitching today

My food intake today consisted of half of a Cambles soup at hand. It was 70 calories and I just had some of the broth. Good day in all. Got out of bed at 8 pm lazy fuck.

THINSPO:

good day

I got some coke. That should get me through some school work and keep me going I hope. I feel bad about doing it, but it really helps. I went to court and they told me that I had to come back for a pre trial conference on December 16th that should be fun. Fuck the court system it blows. I have to go to government tomorrow. Mom doesnt know the professor wont let me take Exam #2 and without that exam I fail the class. I also am going to go to my freshman seminar tomorrow......for the fourth time I think. I'm fucked in that class too. Shit dude, where did I go wrong. My English paper is due, I've been hiding in my room and havent done anything at all on it let alone gone to class. Fuck.I'm complaining, but this is all my fault. I brought this upon myself and I will willingly take all consequences that I am faced with. I will not be ok. I promise.
Eating today sucked. Maria wanted breakfast so I ate with her this morning and puked it up after, then I had half a burger and some cereal, then a nutrition shake, then cheddar broccoli rice. I AM A COMPLETE SCREW UP! IF I DONT CHANGE SOON I WILL HAVE TO JUST GO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING DESERT!
thinspo:

well....

I kinda did what I said I would do. I ate just a jar of pickles, I did my math homework, I did my laundry. I woke up at 8 PM. :( However, Alex came to my room last night at 4 am with some coke and I did it with her, I was about to go to bed, but I couldn't turn it down. I was the energizer bunny and I got so much shit done. I have court tomorrow for shoplifting. Tyler is taking me. I don't know how it will go or what I will do, but I have hope. I am scared to death. I am scared to fucking death.
THINSPO:

Biggest Screw Up

I'm going to sleep. It is 2:58 am. I am a fat fucking loser. My stomach is pregnant with food. It is hard and it hurts. My mind is clouded with drugs and thoughts of regret. My body aches, my head aches, I'm exhausted, but I have slept for days. I am failing out of college as of right now. Is it due to the depression, the bi-polar, my mental issues, or is it because of the drugs and constant partying? I think the real question is: Am I doing the drugs because of the depression, the immense pain that thrives in my soul. The monster inside of me is making me fuck up. It is time to take control. I have gained weight because of this monster. My skin is broken out because of this monster. My grades are so low they almost don't exist because of this monster. This monster wants me to end it all right here right now! BUT I WON'T!!!!!!! I AM TAKING CONTROL! I am in control of my own life, not this monster.I will win.
I am going to sleep a fat selfish loser and I'm waking up at nine Am tomorrow morning and I am going to pick up what is left of my life and run with it. I will fix this. I will reconstruct my life.

fudge

Slept all day again, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling until about 6 am. FUCK! I am high. I did a hydro. The only thing I can afford right now. I feel good. I'm fucked. I ate an apple today. That is it. I will weigh 110 pounds or less when I go back home. I feel good. I was so depressed, I feel good. I feel good.

I'm gonna go smoke. Yes. I feel good.
school is fucked.
life is fucked.
I feel good.

oh gosh

The past days have been a complete blur to me. I got caught stealing alcohol on Friday. They gave me a $312 charge and I have court on the 15th. I don't know how I am going to pay this. I am so depressed. I took my stress out on drugs and dropped acid all weekend so my problems weren't real, nothing was real. I managed to stay on my fasting for the most part until I stuffed my face all day today. I have fallen into a dark fucking hole. I am failing my classes, owe money, in trouble with the law, in trouble with my parents, drugs. I don't know how to fix all of the messes I have created. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore.

Today

I'm very intoxicated right now.I had an ok day, no food at all. I had a 4 lokos (660CAL) but i ran this morning. i shouldmt have drank. shit.

THINSPO TODAY:

My first post.

So I figure what I'm going to do on this blog is post how my day goes everyday. I'm bi-polar and I have problems with my eating. I also use a lot of drugs, so it should be interesting.

> I slept through my classes today. (all 3 of them) I woke up and went to get some salad because today was my veggie day. I ended up eating salad, a burger, spaghetti, garlic bread, cereal and a cookie. I then proceeded to the bathroom and puked my guts up because of guilt. after that it was a pretty normal day. I binged again and ate Oreos, milk, and ice cream when we were playing Apples to Apples. I tried to purge when I got home but it was too late. I did some jumping jacks, an exercise video, and climbed stairs. AHHHH why do I always screw up. I still didn't feel good about myself after all of this, so I actually cut myself for the first time in three months. I NEED TO GAIN SELF CONTROL. I JUST WANT TO CRY.

THIS IS MY THINSPO FOR THE DAY: