long time..

Drew and I broke up, I've been eating too much fast food, I'm no longer on drugs, I moved into a house, I got a dog, I'm failing school, I'm falling apart.

I sometimes wanna die

I've been thinking about suicide. I kinda stopped taking my meds. I dont know what to do. Things are falling apart. I want to die.

McDonalds

Mariiiaaa maaddeee  meeeeee eeeeaaatttt mccccddonnnnaaallllddddssss.... 1000 calories. thats 500 for the day?

third time today?

This is the third time I'm blogging today and it's only 830 gosh. Um I went to the gym :) going to take that test now. :)

dreams

Am I dreaming? Am I really skinny? Does the scale read 90 pounds when I see 130? Do people see bones when I see fat? A yes to these questions is beyond reality. I mean no one tells me I'm skinny. THe pictures I see of myself are hideous. I think I'm disgusting, I'm trying to kill time before I go to the gym in a half hour. I haven't slept yet. I'm gonna blow a huge line before I leave. Maybe I'll go pick up some cigarettes or something too. I have a lot to do today. I need some coke for me. I hope it sells fast.
I miss Drew? Does he really like me? Is it really worth it? Why am I in a relationship with someone when I don't even know who I am? How does he know who I am? How does anyone know who I am if I don't. I will not be satisfied with myself until I am under one hundred pounds. I won't be satisfied with myself until I am perfect. I will never be perfect, therefore, I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH MYSELF.

suck

I've been eating like shit for the past couple of days. Haven't been going to class. What's wrong with me? I missed a test in Homicide and Serial Killers. I love that class. I'm dating Drew now. He got me a rose, acid, pot, and a bar for valentines day. So great. I have to make up this test at 9 am tomorrow morning. I'm starting to sell coke. I think I'm going to make a lot of money out of it and free coke. I need that. I need to start doing things right, so here is my plan for tomorrow:

1. Take that test.
2. Maybe gym. 
3. Class. 
4. Print out English paper. 
5. Gym?
6. Class. 
7. GYM. 
8. Buy/sell cocaine. 

the good the bad and the ugly

good: Didn't eat for like a week, gym everyday.
bad: Binged on ice cream, sushi, more ice cream, and m&m's.
ugly: Puked my guts out.

um

no food yesterday.
some skittles today (just the green ones)
cookie dough :(

coke.

I've been off the wall with coke. Last night I did so much and we railed an e and mixed it with coke. It was amazing.
I felt like I was gonna pass out today I ate a 240 calorie protein bar, I cannot pass out you know.

food

blueberries (30 calories)
subway sandwich (turkey cheese and mayo)(310 calories)
TOTAL: a wopping 340 CALORIESS!
fuck my life fat assss

my day

200 calorie lean cuisine.
jar of pickles.
diet coke.
cigarettes.
weed.

skinny

This girl told me that she saw me today and was like "woah she's tiny". She asked me if I lost weight!!

boys

I broke up with my boyfriend for Drew. I really like him, like always I think things are gonna go far with him. Like always, I think I'm head over heels. He's really cool and does as many drugs as I do.
I've been doing ok with eating, small binge this weekend but nothing too too bad. I'm back on track. Drew tells me I need to eat more, I tell him I'm fine.
Am I really fine?
Am I sick?
Am I going to be ok?

OF COURSE BECAUSE I WILL BE THIN!

binge.

I binged today for the first time in weeks. :(

• grilled chicken, a bit of pita.
• chic fillet (12 piece nugget.)
• Half a taco bell burrito. 
• I purged it all and I'm defiantly going to the damn gym today. 

gym

Burned 500 calories.

pat on the back

I have not eaten in a while, I am quite proud of myself. I did not go to the gym today, should I go now? I think I will. I was supposed to have a threesome with Drew and Cherry tonight, but he got arrested. WTF the night I'm gonna have a threesome the fucking guy got arrested. WHAT THE FUCK!
I have a boyfriend, so probably for the better.

cocaine.....

-Salad for dinner last night 25 calories.
-Getting coke tonight.
-500 calories at the gym.
-getting coke tonight!
-vitamin water. 50 calories

I ate....

I ate a subway salad, just the cucumbers, probably 35 calories. I burnt 100 at the gym.

my best friend, my boyfriend, my worst enemy

You are in the back of my mind twenty four hours a day. 

You always know what to do, what to think, what to say. 

I love you, I hate you, I'm fucking starving, exhausted, flying. 

You know inside that I am truly dying. 

You tell me to stop when I'm standing in line for a thousand calorie meal. 

I walk away and I know the amazing satisfaction I will feel. 

You keep me going when I'm going crazy at the gym. 

You are in the toilet when I'm throwing up, I watch you swim. 

You keep my secret, you tell me what to do. 

You know I am in love with you. 

You make me thinner by the minute. 

I know that I will win it. 

I will be fragile, sickly, perfect, beautiful, thin. 

I know that the sickness is starting to begin. 

Thank you Ana, thank you for all you are doing for me. 

Thank you for making my tired eyes finally see. 

two days ish

I ate taco bell last night, just a chicken quesadilla. Then I went to Drew's and fucking cheated on my boyfriend. Dude, he looks like Kurt Cobain's twin, I just has to, SHIT! I ate and puked subway today. I burnt 800 calories at the gym!
Yes Great Fantastic days!