long time..

Drew and I broke up, I've been eating too much fast food, I'm no longer on drugs, I moved into a house, I got a dog, I'm failing school, I'm falling apart.

I sometimes wanna die

I've been thinking about suicide. I kinda stopped taking my meds. I dont know what to do. Things are falling apart. I want to die.

McDonalds

Mariiiaaa maaddeee  meeeeee eeeeaaatttt mccccddonnnnaaallllddddssss.... 1000 calories. thats 500 for the day?

third time today?

This is the third time I'm blogging today and it's only 830 gosh. Um I went to the gym :) going to take that test now. :)

dreams

Am I dreaming? Am I really skinny? Does the scale read 90 pounds when I see 130? Do people see bones when I see fat? A yes to these questions is beyond reality. I mean no one tells me I'm skinny. THe pictures I see of myself are hideous. I think I'm disgusting, I'm trying to kill time before I go to the gym in a half hour. I haven't slept yet. I'm gonna blow a huge line before I leave. Maybe I'll go pick up some cigarettes or something too. I have a lot to do today. I need some coke for me. I hope it sells fast.
I miss Drew? Does he really like me? Is it really worth it? Why am I in a relationship with someone when I don't even know who I am? How does he know who I am? How does anyone know who I am if I don't. I will not be satisfied with myself until I am under one hundred pounds. I won't be satisfied with myself until I am perfect. I will never be perfect, therefore, I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH MYSELF.

suck

I've been eating like shit for the past couple of days. Haven't been going to class. What's wrong with me? I missed a test in Homicide and Serial Killers. I love that class. I'm dating Drew now. He got me a rose, acid, pot, and a bar for valentines day. So great. I have to make up this test at 9 am tomorrow morning. I'm starting to sell coke. I think I'm going to make a lot of money out of it and free coke. I need that. I need to start doing things right, so here is my plan for tomorrow:

1. Take that test.
2. Maybe gym. 
3. Class. 
4. Print out English paper. 
5. Gym?
6. Class. 
7. GYM. 
8. Buy/sell cocaine. 

the good the bad and the ugly

good: Didn't eat for like a week, gym everyday.
bad: Binged on ice cream, sushi, more ice cream, and m&m's.
ugly: Puked my guts out.

um

no food yesterday.
some skittles today (just the green ones)
cookie dough :(

coke.

I've been off the wall with coke. Last night I did so much and we railed an e and mixed it with coke. It was amazing.
I felt like I was gonna pass out today I ate a 240 calorie protein bar, I cannot pass out you know.

food

blueberries (30 calories)
subway sandwich (turkey cheese and mayo)(310 calories)
TOTAL: a wopping 340 CALORIESS!
fuck my life fat assss

my day

200 calorie lean cuisine.
jar of pickles.
diet coke.
cigarettes.
weed.

skinny

This girl told me that she saw me today and was like "woah she's tiny". She asked me if I lost weight!!

boys

I broke up with my boyfriend for Drew. I really like him, like always I think things are gonna go far with him. Like always, I think I'm head over heels. He's really cool and does as many drugs as I do.
I've been doing ok with eating, small binge this weekend but nothing too too bad. I'm back on track. Drew tells me I need to eat more, I tell him I'm fine.
Am I really fine?
Am I sick?
Am I going to be ok?

OF COURSE BECAUSE I WILL BE THIN!

binge.

I binged today for the first time in weeks. :(

• grilled chicken, a bit of pita.
• chic fillet (12 piece nugget.)
• Half a taco bell burrito. 
• I purged it all and I'm defiantly going to the damn gym today. 

gym

Burned 500 calories.

pat on the back

I have not eaten in a while, I am quite proud of myself. I did not go to the gym today, should I go now? I think I will. I was supposed to have a threesome with Drew and Cherry tonight, but he got arrested. WTF the night I'm gonna have a threesome the fucking guy got arrested. WHAT THE FUCK!
I have a boyfriend, so probably for the better.

cocaine.....

-Salad for dinner last night 25 calories.
-Getting coke tonight.
-500 calories at the gym.
-getting coke tonight!
-vitamin water. 50 calories

I ate....

I ate a subway salad, just the cucumbers, probably 35 calories. I burnt 100 at the gym.

my best friend, my boyfriend, my worst enemy

You are in the back of my mind twenty four hours a day. 

You always know what to do, what to think, what to say. 

I love you, I hate you, I'm fucking starving, exhausted, flying. 

You know inside that I am truly dying. 

You tell me to stop when I'm standing in line for a thousand calorie meal. 

I walk away and I know the amazing satisfaction I will feel. 

You keep me going when I'm going crazy at the gym. 

You are in the toilet when I'm throwing up, I watch you swim. 

You keep my secret, you tell me what to do. 

You know I am in love with you. 

You make me thinner by the minute. 

I know that I will win it. 

I will be fragile, sickly, perfect, beautiful, thin. 

I know that the sickness is starting to begin. 

Thank you Ana, thank you for all you are doing for me. 

Thank you for making my tired eyes finally see. 

two days ish

I ate taco bell last night, just a chicken quesadilla. Then I went to Drew's and fucking cheated on my boyfriend. Dude, he looks like Kurt Cobain's twin, I just has to, SHIT! I ate and puked subway today. I burnt 800 calories at the gym!
Yes Great Fantastic days!

!!!!!!

It's been over a week since I've eaten anything substantial and if I did, I burnt it off. No purging. Many urges, but not once yet. I'm so proud of myself :)

After Hmmmm....

I had an overwhelming urge to go to the gym, I burnt 200 calories. I proceeded to subway, but took a quick dodge to the 200 calorie lean cuisine. I'm proud of myself. I cancelled it out. I am still at -50 calories for today. :)

Ummm

I did awesome today only food content was blueberries. I drank a lot of water and zero calorie shit. I had to peee so much. Goodd. Tried to go to the gym, but stopped when I got to 100 cals bc I felt like I was gonna pass out.

my day

Philosophy, pointless. Living and dying, okay. Homicide and serial killers, interesting. Gym, -300 calories. No crunches yet. English, easy. Devils diner, 0 calories. Smoking weed, omgsh. Munchies, pickles and diet coke. WHAT WHAT? 0 CALORIE FOOODDDDSSS. But why do I still feel so guilty? Maybe its cause I'm a fat ass and ate a jar. FUcckkkk.

fucked it up

Had to go to Chillis with Maria and John. Not too bad, just a chicken Caasar salad, only ate the chicken. A few bites of Maria's mashed potatoes and pasta because she made me. Gym tomorrow? 9 am

title

I went to court today. They took my warrent for my arrest off and I have court on February third. I'm so happy I don't have to be scared to be in my own room. :) I ate a small piece of a pot brownie today after walking two and a half miles. I went to the gym for an hour, I'm going again later.
Total calories: -500
Weight: 142

no sleep

I went to bed at 3 and woke up at 6. I couldn't fall back to sleep so I went for a hike to watch to sunrise. It was beautiful. I drank a mango smoothie, 400 fucking calories! I'm not sure if I should be upset because I haven't eaten, so I probably needed sugar. I went back to sleep for a long time haha woke up at 3:30.
My boyfriend said he'd get mad if I went under 110.

Lies

Well I lied. I drank, I'm fuckin wasted dude. I thought about cheating numerous times tonight, well maybe just flirting you know, but either way I went home alone. :) I'm proud of myself. I haven't really eaten in a while, so I didn't drink much and I got wasted. Less calories, I mean still a lot, but slightly less. Gym tomorrow, I think YES! nigggghhhhhtttt....

tonight

Not drinking tonight. Too many calories.

:)

I feel fantastic. I'm doing great in school. Haven't eaten in a couple days :). 145 still. Maybe 143, I'm not exactly sure. I love ASU. I miss my boyfriend, but absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Frat party tonight, the theme is sorority sluts and frat douche bags. I'm excited, but I'm fat, kinda scared.
Thinspo:

21 January 2011

Did OK today. I had a little subway and a little ice cream this morning. I had some sugar free red bull, a shot of tequila and a beer. I tried to get some pickles, but I dropped them in the hallway and was left to eat a third of the jar. That's OK, I didn't need them anyway. I think I'm really gonna do it this time, I've already lost five pound. I'm at 145, my goal weight is 90. I can do this, I'll go home and show all of them that I can do this. I did it, you know how good that would feel? Just to show all of them that I'm not always gonna be the fattest one there. I can be the skinniest.
I miss Anthony so much. He is the love of my life, I don't think I could live without him. I want him here with me. I want him to hold me and love me like he always did. I want him. I miss him. Fuck, I need to see him.
I'm doing good with school. If I don't get all A's this semester ASU isn't going to let me come back next semester. I'm even doing homework over the weekend. The whole time I was at Kevin's today I read. I really like my classes, so it should be a piece of cake, right?

Ana....

I named my new steam roller Ana. I railed a zanny last night, drank some vodka and redbull, and smoked. I ended up throwing up, but I think it was Ana. I think she is in my piece and I smoked so much I puked. I'm back down to 145. Yes.

It's been a while

So I went home for break and my eating habits got fucked. I got a boyfriend, Anthony. I lost my virginity to this man when I was fourteen, well besides the rape. I really love him. Long distance is hard, but I know I can do it.
Now that I'm back to school, I am getting back on track. I'm going to get back on the diet, work hard on school, maybe get a job.
Oh yeah, got my tongue pierced.