fantastic

NO FOOD ALL DAY :) 

update

So I did good today. Mom made raviolis for dinner. I ate four of them. I had two cookies and a two cookies and cream candies my mom got me for Christmas. I'd say in all I had maybe just above 500 calories? Need to try and stay under 400, tomorrow will be better.
I've been hooking up with this guy (Dave), I was hooking up with him a week or so before I left for school too. He hasn't been able to cum, maybe because of pills (idk), but it pissed me off. I just kinda tease him about it. Tonight he came over. He rode his bike to my house in the snow and then when my mom said he could sleep over he didn't want to because he has to wake up early tomorrow to shovel snow! He rode his bike all the way home at one AM. Crazy? does this mean he really likes me. I really like him. Anyway..... back to the point. He came today. We didn't even have sex. I just gave him head and he came! :) It kinda made my night. I thought I wasn't attractive anymore because every time we would have sex he would go soft half way into it. Maybe I am unattractive, I mean I had my clothes on when I gave him head, and when we have sex I'm naked. :( whatever. I will be beautiful eventually.

Thinspo:

Christmas.

Mom got me the Rainbow sandals I've been asking for!! She got me two pairs! My other ones were falling apart. :( lol. I also got a jacket from my dad and Angel and some other clothes. It was a good Christmas. I spent the morning with my mom and went to my dad's after we opened presents here. It was fun. Slept the rest of the day on the couch at Dad's then went to dinner at Mommom and Poppop's. It was okay. I always feel so fat when I'm around them. It's hard because they are all perfect. I'm so fat. My dad taught me how to play pool. It's about time right? Tomorrow starts diet, day one of starvation. I'm going to church with my dad, I'll tell him I ate at Mom's for breakfast and that I'm not hungry when he tries to take me out to lunch. I can do this. I will be strong.
Thinspo:

who am i

I've been searching for something for six years
I've been through a lot, shed so many tears.
I want to know. I need to know,
Who am I? Where do I go?
In retrospect to the world I am just a spec
A spec floating around in this disgusting wreck
Who am I? I don't know where I belong
I wish I was brave, bold, strong.
Who am I? A troubled teen?
I'm lost, confused. The sadness unseen.
I've been living my life as someone fake.
Sometimes I just need a fucking break.
A break from the fake smiles and cheerful eyes.
I just want to live in my demise.
Who am I? why am I here?
I'm tired of not shedding a tear.
I live through Ana. I am her currently.
I just wish I could be me.
I want to be a person defined.
I don't want my like to be outlined,
The unanswered question haunts my dreams.
It's tough, as easy as it seems.
Who am I?
Who am I and why?

im losing my hair.

its falling out. shit. merry friggin christmas

been a while.

I'm back in Jersey for break. Here's the update:
>Grades- English-C/Freshman Seminar-C/Politics and Government-C/Algebra-pass. (Yeah, I'm beating myself up about this shit. I'm really upset, my dreams meant everything to me and here I am just blowing them away.)
>Taking winter online course. Drugs and Justice. (I'm pretty excited, it looks like a really interesting class. It starts on December 27th.)
>No car. (I'm borrowing Mom's.)
>Getting a bit serious with Dave Mayer. (I started fucking him after I broke up with my ex in August and he kept in touch all this time. I really,really like him.)
>Chris Conroy wants to hook up with me. (A guy I used to be close with when I was eleven (ish), says he's wanted me since then...hmm)
>Sucking at eating. (I'm really going to get serious starting today, just had to try Jersey food again!!)
oh yeah, one more thing:
>IT'S FUCKING FREEZING HERE!!!!!!!
::picture for ya::

not so great.

I did ok today, I kicked ass on my exam. Then I went to the gym for all of five minutes. I went to the pawn shop ate a 90 calorie special k bar, then later ate a salad with tofu with Maria. After that we went again later and I got a wrap with roast beef and pizza. I also ate a 270 calorie protein bar....After all that went to Ihop. I got Country fried steak and mashed potatoes then chocolate cake after. This wall all spread out of course. I puked till I saw red. Gym: Eliptical 3 times tomorrow!

great day!

I went to the gym for two hours. Eliptical (-300 calories), cycle thing studying for POS exam (-150).
I smoked with Dustin. ha.
Went to the gym again with Angie (-250 calories) Total: 600 calories burnt
Ate at Barett dining hall. Ate a salad with lettuce (30 calories), chick peas (91 calories), tofu (88 calories), olives (25 calories), and ceasar dressing (170 calories). Also found some gelato (strawberry and chocolate ate half) (190 calories), oh and pizza (small slice) (90 calories). Total: 684 calories
I threw it ALL up, but I'll keep 84 calories in the mix and say that's what left.
I did good with exercise and studying, sucked with the food thing. It's alright. I'm proud of myself.
Thinspo:

hey there

I'm going home on Thursday! yay!
I went to the gym today (-300 calories)
I at a little bit of the appetizer sampler we got at Buffalo Wild Wings. (not a biggie)
Nate texted me, none of you would understand, but um I will explain if it escalates.
Good day. Hanging out with Nate tonight?
hmm
i wanna be skinny.

oh yeah::::::GO EAGLES!!!

My story

I was about twelve when it really started. It was right after I was raped by a man I don’t even know the name of. It was right around the time when Mom went away for a few years and my little brother was born. It was when Dad mentioned that I had a tummy and when Grandpa said I was too “big” to tumble. Grandma helped too, when she told me to eat sweets all the time and then came around ten minutes later telling me to be healthy, watch my figure. I think all of these things helped develop my insanity. However, I was always a bit insane. I remember standing in front of the mirror countless times before age twelve telling my mom that I was fat and I was dieting. I remember I wanted control. All I wanted was control. I couldn’t control who touched me. I couldn’t control where I wanted to live. I couldn’t see my mommy and my grandmother controlled every little aspect of my life. I went from age ten to age sixteen seeing my mom about as much as you see a family member from a different state. I missed her, I hated her, I needed her, but she was too busy getting high. I was out of control. I longed for control.

I’m not sure if you would call it an eating disorder, I would call it more of an obsession. I cut myself often, I did everything I could to control something. I channeled the control to my thoughts, I controlled my own thoughts. All I thought about was food, what I was going to eat, what I wasn’t going to eat. What if I did eat? That’s when purging came into the picture, I think it was after my dad and step-mom got married. She was so perfect, so skinny, and so beautiful. I HATED HER! I remember after the family dinners (where I spent an hour just picking at my food) I would run upstairs into the shower and puke everything I could possibly puke out.

When Mom came back into the picture, I was so happy. She gave me a necklace for my 16^th birthday. It was a locket with my name engraved in the front and “happy sweet sixteen” on the back. I love that necklace. I still wear it every day. I ate when I was with my mom. She had problems too. We would go to Dunkin Donuts and eat an entire dozen in one sitting on top of a carton of ice cream each. I gained weight, a lot of weight. Mom did too. She was 200 pounds. Soon her eating habits became strange, like mine were before she saved me. She barely ate anything; before I knew it Mom was skin and bones. I was jealous. Onset #2?

My senior year was a hard one. I wasn’t eating much at all, or I was eating too much and throwing it up or slitting my wrists for it. In the summer I starved myself. I would go weeks without food only eating when Mom started to notice something was up. I remember one day she told me my toes were blue. I said I was just cold from being in the air, even though we had been outside in 90 degree weather. I went into the hospital a week before I came out to school. It was the second time I had been hospitalized, but the first time I was ever in an adult unit. I went in a dual unit, drugs and mental illness. It was for zanies and other substances I was using. (Also because I tried to kill myself HAHAHA) In the hospital, no one was watching my eating so I didn’t eat the six days I was there. I lost weight, I remember everyone congratulating me on my weight loss when I came home. I was happy.

When I got to college it was easy. I could eat whenever I wanted (never). I starved the first few weeks. I did great up until about a month ago. Lately I’ve been eating like shit. A few days ago I had sex with a guy who called me a fat ass, during sex. This turned on ANA again. So here it goes again. I’m on the never ending roller coaster of binging and fasting. Will I ever get off?

the rest of the day

I smell like throw up. ewe. I ate some pasta with John and cookies with Maria they both came up. Went to the gym, burnt 100 calories because Maria wanted to leave early. :(
Thinspo:

umm fast/purge imabullshitter

I ate a salad. (spinach, cucumbers, onions, Caesar dressing (174 calories)) I ate a turkey wrap. (turkey, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, mayo, wheat wrap (422 calories)) I threw up the wrap. (-400 calories) I threw half the salad. (-87 calories)
TOTAL: 109 (ok :/)
gym later?

acid

So, I'm on acid, but I'm having a bad trip and a bad night so I'm going to rant! I've been eating like a fucking cow btw. Fast starting tomorrow. Dude why don't people like me? Is it because I'm fat? I have sex with this kid Dusty and he completely ignores me and treats me like shit, he is an asshole. I don't understand what I did! We were at Kevin's and as soon as they noticed me in the room they all walked out, like wtf?! Then when they were going to leave, Tyler was supposed to drive me home, but no! Ryan was like "can't bring Mary, she's bad vibes" WTF DID I DO TO YOU DUDE!!!! I am so nice to them, I don't understand. I'm such a waste of life. No one likes me, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm a fuck up. Worthless.

Oh yeah, I forgot my stats: hahaha

Height: 5'5

bicep: 11 in

thigh: 25 in

hips: 27 in

chest: 37 in

waist: 32 in 

BMI: 22.4

Current weight:150 lbs

::GOAL WEIGHT::

NON FUCKING EXISTENT

nothing fits

none of my clothes fit. they are all too tight omg. I've gained so much weight fuck!! nothing fits!  Nothing fucking fits! i am crying. I am about to slit my wrists omgomgomgomg what do I do? I JUST WANNA FUCKING DIE!

BREAKING NEWS: THERE IS A REPLACEMENT FOR FOOD!!!!!!!!

shit. I am so high? would you call this a high? I considered and researched it and I suppose if you put it scientifically, snorting coke + snorting E + smoking a coco puff (bowl with weed and coke)=well, really fucked up. So, I think that may still be high. Super duper high! Shit. shit. Everything is morphing. I love it. I LOVE IT! My head is spinning, yet my hands are flying across the keyboard, fascinated by how intriguing the smallest thing could be. ENHANCED! HEIGHTENED!  BUT YET UNDEFINED! Imafuckinhearinmusicplayininmahead! SHIT I HEAR MUSIC! I cant see it though ohhh nooo. Who needs food. I'm full. That hole, its filling up! It might not be the best thing to fill it with, but its giving me the push I need. I love coke. Shit.